Who Am I Now?
by ThouArtBenvolio
Summary: After being rejected by his love, Mistoffelees, The Rum Tum Tugger must find an outlet to his depression. Religion brightens up his life, but how will it interfere with his homosexuality? Rated for slash, language, some violence, and sexual content.
1. Chapter 1: Introduction

_Story: "Who Am I Now?"  
Chapter: 1: "Introduction"  
Author: SensesFaillxx_

_Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN "CATS"! I don't own the Rum Tum Tugger, Munkustrap, Mistoffelees, or any other characters in future chapters. All rights go to Andrew Lloyd Webber, T.S. Eliot, and all those cool people…_

_AH Warning! All of the characters have human characteristics (reading the Bible, just reading in general, having a room and bed, believing in a God) but I still have them living in a junkyard-type setting. It's obviously more civilized than an actual junkyard, but it's just the idea that all the Jellicles live in one area together._

_Slash Warning! Please, if you have real criticism, send a review. But if you just don't like slash, don't bother me with a rude comment. I touched up on it briefly in this chapter, but in future chapters there will be actual Tugger/Misto contact. They'll eventually get together…_

_Another warning…this story is pretty religious. It's based on the Catholic religion. It's going to go into the religious aspects of being homosexual, and how Tugger learns to cope with his issue. I really don't want this story to seem like only Catholics will like it…that's not my goal at all…But again, if you're gunna be nasty about it, just don't read…_

_Also note…Tugger's the narrator, and if the words "He" or "You" are capitalized, Tugger's referring to God. Notice that as Tugger gets frustrated with what he reads in the Bible, he starts to call it just "the/that book"._

* * *

My _lifestyle_. The _life _that I chose to live every day. My _condition. _My _condition_ is bad. It's a sin. It's morally wrong. It's forbidding me from entering the Kingdom of God. It's edging me into the gates of Hell. As it stands right now, I'm destined to Hell.

I just don't understand it. I can't grasp the concept of it. Why is it that He doesn't love me like I thought He did? He welcomed me into his life with open arms. He's the one who guided me through my period of depression. He's the one who forgave me after all the trouble I used to cause. He told me that He loved everyone equally. He told me that things like race, gender, and size didn't matter.

"_There is no longer Jew or Greek  
__There is no longer slave or free  
__There is no longer male or female  
__For we all are one in Christ Jesus."  
__~Galatians 3:28_

That's what the Bible said. That's what _He _said. Well…_He_ lied to me. He was lying to me the whole time.

_How could You do this to me? How could You lie to me like this?_

He convinced me that everyone was equal. But I discovered otherwise.

~x~

It was a rainy night. But to call it _rainy…_that's just an understatement. That unbelievably pouring weather trapped me in my room for the night. I would have much rather been wandering at the time, exploring the nocturnal features of the junkyard without the kids running around…but I hate getting wet…

It was exactly three years after I admitted to myself that I was gay. It was exactly two years after I was rejected by the love of my life. It was exactly one year after the therapist diagnosed me with depression. It was exactly ten months after I discovered God. But Man, that rejection sucked…big time. He wasn't mean about it at all. He tried to be polite, but I just couldn't take it. Mistoffelees doesn't understand how much I love him…I don't know why. I guess he can't see me as being faithful or whatever. But God, fortunately, was there for me. He helped me get through it, but I still don't feel like I ever got over the rejection completely. After all, I wasn't lying. I _do _love Misto. I love him with everything I have…But it's just…every time I kiss him, I pull myself a little closer to Hell. But I just can't help it. It's who I am.

_Who am I now?_

I'm trying to drag myself out of this depression. I'm finding myself a lot happier these days. But, even then, I'm still more quiet and reserved than I used to be. I don't think I'll ever be the same guy I was. Remember the cocky, arrogant, stubborn Tugger…I had that carefree attitude and playfulness that I thought nothing could take away. I was always looking to have a good time. I was a prankster, but not a Mungojerrie/Rumpleteazer kind of prankster…I was never trying to hurt anyone, it was all for my own fun. I was a man-whore though…I slept with everyone imaginable…Looking back, I'm not really proud of some of the things I did, but all of these qualities made up who I was. And I'm never going to get them back…

_Who am I now?_

The sudden roar of thunder startled me a bit, as I turned the page of my worn-out Bible. This Bible meant a lot to me. It wasn't just a book; it was my life…or at least a big chunk of my life. It was a gift from my older brother, Munkustrap a while ago. He thought I could use some faith in my life when we discovered that I was depressed. He was right…He was sitting right next to me when I was diagnosed. God brought light into my life. He brought me happiness, an emotion I could never truly grasp beforehand.

I took a moment to cross my legs and scratch my head before I continued to read on. My eyes widened and my heart hardened as I read some surprising words. My mind started to race with all sorts of questions. I needed answers. Instantly. I needed faith. I needed God. I needed…_Munkustrap_?

_Of course, Munkustrap comes now…I'd love to ask him about what I just read, but he doesn't know that I'm gay!_

I felt his presence walking down the hall. And just as I predicted, he came right into my room. I picked up my Bible, and slammed it on the bed. I grunted and started to pull at my hair.

"_Tugger_?"

My body froze. I just wanted to be alone! No, that's a total lie. I should really be making more human contact than I am. I know he was just doing his daily check-up on me. Next he would go visit his girlfriend, Demeter, and daughter, Jemima. Before me, he visited our father, and leader of the group, Old Deuteronomy. But he's been paying special attention to me these days. I can't say I don't like the attention, but it just feels…weird…that someone hasn't completely given up on me yet.

"Yes?" I shifted my body around and put my feet on the ground. I had to fake a smile…just to get through the moment.

"How are you?" Now _his_ smile was real. It wasn't a big smile, but it was 100 percent real. That made me feel bad…I was being totally artificial to him, when all he did was care for me.

"Alright. How 'bout you?" _Of course that was a lie…Damn, I gotta stop lying to him… _"Munk…?"

"Yes, Tugger?"

"I just…read something…interesting in here."

"Oh?" He walked over and grabbed the book. "What is it?"

I snatched it away just as quickly…I held it by my chest, close to my heart. "It was just…I thought God loved me…"

"Tug…what the hell did you find in there to make you think God stopped loving you?" He became serious now. I know I probably pissed him off by saying that.

"He never did…" _Why am I continuing to provoke this? I should just let it go before he finds out my secret…_

"Why would you ever think that…?" His tone didn't get angrier, but it suggested that he was becoming more worried than pissed off. "Tugger…I'm concerned."

_I'm the Rum Tum Tugger. I provoke things. It's just what I do, no matter how deeply depressed I may be._

"He told me something once. He told me that He created all men equal…"

"And He did, Tugger. He did. So what's different now?"

"Well that's a lie." Now I was serious too. I was all fired up from what I read in that book.

"I still don't understand…Just explain to me what you mean…"

Now he was getting angry once again. I know he didn't like what he was hearing. This argument continued on for a few more minutes. We kept basically repeating ourselves, getting more mad every time…

"Tugger…!"

"I'm gay!"

_Oh my God…Oh my God…Oh my God! _My heart stopped right then and there…_What the hell did I just do…? I think I'm gunna throw up…_

I clasped my hands firmly over my mouth. A spur of realization spread over Munkustrap's face. Now it was clear to him. Now he understood why I don't feel the same about God anymore. He knew damn well that the Bible was strongly against homosexuals. He knew. Now his face drew in an angry mood. Now he was pissed off….or at least he looked like it.

I ran…I ran and ran and ran…I sprinted as far away from my room as possible. Where was I going? …I didn't even know. I decided to run to my father. Seeing as Munkustrap looked like he wanted to kill me, I need to go find Father…


	2. Chapter 2: Hide Me Away

_Story: "Who Am I Now?"  
__Chapter: 2: "Hide Me Away"  
__Author: SensesFaillxx  
__Same disclaimer, same warnings_

_A/N: Thank you soooo much to all of the review-ers! You don't know how much every review means to me!_

_FinalFallenFantasy, NyokaDelFanfiction, FantabulousMe_

* * *

I could hear Munkustrap running behind me. I didn't bother looking back though.

We both came to a sudden halt when we reached Dad. Ironically enough, he was talking to Misto. I felt bad interrupting their time to talk. They both turned their heads to look right at us.

"Sons?" Dad's low voice spoke. "Is everything alright?"

Munk and I looked at each other.

…

_Silence…_

I really felt bad for poor Misto.

"Father," Munkustrap finally spoke. "A word with you…? I know you'll agree with _me. _Tugger's just…confused, yeah, that's all."

"Excuse me Munk…But you think I'm _confused?_ How shallow are you?"

Dad tried to calmly interrupt our bickering. "Well…Mister Mistoffelees is here-"

"Oh…" _Why am I saying this?_ "It's okay. Misto already knows…" _Why did I say that?_

_Why…?_

Munkustrap gaped at that. I shut my eyes tightly for a few moments, contemplating how to get through this.

"What is this shit you're telling me?" Munkustrap shouted. He looked at me directly in the eyes. He was steamed now.

Dad seemed especially confused by Munk's very unusual behavior. "Son?" he said to Munk.

"Sorry Father…" He took a deep breath. "But Tug," his eyes fell upon me, and I looked right back at him. "Why does Misto know…?"

_I think what my brother was really asking me was, "Why didn't I know?"_

After I didn't respond to his first question after a while, he decided to ask me another one. "Is it really true Tugger?" He asked that in complete seriousness. He really didn't want to admit it…

"Umm…" I stopped myself before things got ugly. I knew he would be mad at me, I just knew it. He's such a stickler for the traditional religious rules, and I knew this was going to take time. But I don't get it. Munkustrap has his own religious faults. His girlfriend got pregnant when they were sophomores. Munkustrap had sex before he was married. I thought that wasn't allowed, according to the Bible, either…

Lying to him wouldn't be my one-way pass out of the situation; I told him the truth and, to this day, I'm glad I did. He gave me a stern look and urged me to continue. "Please Munk…don't be mad…" I frowned. I looked down to the ground. He frowned. He nodded his head at me, as if he was disappointed in me. What was there to be disappointed about?

"But…why?" Munkustrap finally asked.

"What do you mean, 'why'?" I replied. "You're making it sound like I did something horrible."

"It _is_ something horrible Tugger…"

"What the hell? Munkustrap, it's who I am…You can't just change me. And even if I _could_ change it, I wouldn't."

"You really wouldn't want to change that if you could...?"

"No. Because it's part of my life. It's part of me. And if God doesn't like it, well…I wish he would like it, but that's up to him. But I'm not going to change something about myself for anyone else, not even God. Not even you, Munkustrap…"

"Good Tugger." He nodded at me. "I hope you enjoy your life, but keep me out of it." And with that, he was gone. He walked right out of the room…out of my life…

~x~

I spent the rest of the weekend by myself. The rain became lighter as the days went by. I didn't want to have anything to do with my brother at the time. I didn't even want to see Misto. I just wanted to be alone, and that's what I got. I stayed up late that night, praying to God for forgiveness. I apologized for the attitude I gave Munkustrap, I apologized for interrupting Misto's time to talk with my dad, and I apologized for my…_condition._ I told God that it wasn't my fault that I was homosexual, and that I liked the way I was. Of course, there are some down-sides to it, but I convinced God that I still believed in Him, and that I still loved him, and that I just hoped that He still loved me too. I prayed for Munkustrap. I prayed for Munkustrap's forgiveness, that he would realize that nothing was wrong with me.

I prayed the next morning when I woke up, just as I did that same night before I went to sleep. I didn't leave my room once that weekend. But, unfortunately, I had to leave Monday morning for school. The only book I brought to school was my Bible. I didn't need any other books, seeing as I just breezed by in all my classes. Although, I did try especially hard in History; I had a certain liking for History more than anyone else I knew. I even managed to convince my school counselor to sneak me into a senior History class as a sophomore.

Munkustrap and I usually walked to school together each morning. But that day was different. Well, we still walked next to each other, but not one word slipped from either one of us. I really wanted to talk to my brother, but I knew it wouldn't be too much of a good idea.

The day went by normally. I was especially quiet today, being totally focused on my Bible. My lunch table, teachers, and classmates noticed it. Munkustrap really upset me sixth period…U.S. History 2 C.P. Remember how I said I was smart enough for a senior class? Well, Munk was in that class with me…

History class. The topic: the "antebellum" period…or the period before the Civil War. The president of the time period was none other than James Buchanan. Why did my teacher have to point out the "fun fact" stating that Buchanan was the first homosexual president to take office? When she told the class that, everyone burst into laughter. The worst part was seeing Munkustrap and his friend, in the front of the room, laugh. But I couldn't let it bother me…After all, that's what Munkustrap wanted. He's much more mature than to laugh at something like that, especially since it's consider a sin in the Bible. He was doing it to spite me. He wanted me to feel bad. He wanted me to feel as if I'm living an absolutely horrible life. As the teacher hopelessly tried to calm the class down, I could tell even she was surprised at Munkustrap's immaturity there.

Munkustrap turned his head around. He was looking at me. He wanted to make sure that I saw him laughing.

_Why is he doing this to me…?_

The class finally settled down after a few minutes of meaningless laughter. The teacher assigned us an in-class project with a partner. Munkustrap and I almost always work together in that class, but he didn't even look at me. He went with one of his senior friends, and I got stuck with someone I barely know…I don't even know his name…

The assignment: create a time-line of all the important events from the section, and draw a small picture for each. Even though I had a special knack for History, that day I decided to absorb myself in my Bible. I just sat there, reading on and on while my partner did all the work.

"Tugger…?" my name-less partner said.

I didn't respond, but looked up at him.

"Are you going to help me at all…?"

I exhaled loudly, closed my Bible, and looked at my partner. "What do you need help with…?"

"Well…" he started. "I have all the facts written down, but I need help with picture ideas." I didn't say anything back. "Are you creative?"

"It depends," I gave him a slight attitude about this. "What kinds of ideas do you need?"

"Well one of the facts is that James Buchanan was elected president in 1857. What could we possible draw for that…?"

_He used the word _we_. He really thinks I'm gunna help him with this…_

Being that History was a favorite of mine, I decided to actually take this seriously. "Just draw the White House or something…Maybe a stick-figure of Buchanan too?" I sighed loudly once again.

Munkustrap and his friend, from across the room, suddenly started cracking up. I turned around to see what was so funny. The teacher walked towards them for the same reason as me.

"Are you guys working? Do you need to be separated?" My teacher asked.

"No." Munkustrap and his friend chuckled. "We drew a rainbow by Buchanan 'cause he's gay!"

My heart stopped…I felt like crawling into a hole. A deep hole, so I could hide away from the world and any outside contact forever. A nice sound-proof hole, so no one would ever hear my cries. I wanted to fill myself with darkness. I never wanted to leave that hole. Why was my brother doing this to me?

_Why Munkustrap…?_

I grabbed my Bible and stormed out of the room. I had no idea of where to go. I could go to the bathroom…or the guidance office…I realized that I was going to get written up for cutting class, and I would get detention for that. So instead, I went to the attendance office to explain myself so I wouldn't get a cut. It didn't really matter though. I just wanted to be as far away from that room as possible. I wanted to be far away from Munkustrap…


	3. Chapter 3: In Your Face

_Story: "Who Am I Now?"  
__Chapter: 2: "In Your Face"  
__Author: SensesFaillxx  
__Same disclaimer, same warnings._

_A/N: Heyy! So here it is, chapter three. I really really really like this one, and I hope you all do too. I think it finally gets interesting here, if it hasn't already. Thanks to the review-ers!_

_FinalFallenFantasy, imaginationroxmysox. You guys are amazing! :)_

_

* * *

_

Friday.

I dreaded going to History the rest of that week. That Tuesday I went to the nurse and faked a stomachache, but she made me go back to class early. Wednesday I went to the guidance office, but my counselor was in a meeting so the secretary made me leave. Thursday there was a choir rehearsal sixth period, so I actually got away with missing class. But Friday…I ran out of excuses and had to go…

I had Pottery right before History that year. Demeter was in my Pottery class. Thank God, because without her, I wouldn't have any friends there. I really didn't like Pottery too much. I was especially quiet that period, but I don't know why. Even when I talked to Demeter I still spoke very softly. It just wasn't too great of a class. It just made my hands dry. It made my hands dry, and I couldn't get away with reading my Bible. If someone sat there doing nothing, the teacher would yell at him and tell him to get to work. If I read my Bible in that class, I would get a zero for the day, and get yelled at.

That Friday. I was walking from Pottery to History. I just walked out of the Arts Building, and was making my way toward the Main Building.

"Yo, Tug!" I heard Pouncival's voice call from behind me. We weren't really _friends_ but he was in a few of my classes, so we talked a lot.

_What could Pouncival really want now?_

Pouncival was a good guy, but I just wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone. "Wait up Man!" he called out. He finally caught up to me.

"Hey Pounce…" I said, making sure he could hear the apathy in my voice.

"Tug, what should I study for that Bio test today?"

_Is he really asking _me _that? I don't take any of my classes seriously, except for History, of course…_

"Oh…" I started. "I think just the whole Biodiversity chapter…"

_Thud._ Munkustrap _shoved_ me. He walked right past me, and _shoved_ me.

"Hey!" I shouted at my brother. "Munkustrap!" He turned around. He looked like he wanted to kill me.

"What Tugger?"

"What the hell was that?"

Munkustrap gave me a glare, and continued to walk away.

Pouncival seemed confused. None of the other Jellicles knew about my fight with Munkustrap. "Tugger…it's okay. Let's just get to class…" He tried to calm me down, but by that point I was furious.

"No Pounce. He did that on purpose…"

He hesitated. "Well…how do you know that? I'm sure it was just an accident…"

"Well…you're wrong." I shoved Pouncival aside, making my way towards my brother. "Wait up, Munk!"

"Tugger…what do you want from me?"

"I want you to forgive me."

"Why?" he snapped back at me right away.

"I've done _nothing_ wrong."

"_Nothing_…?"

"_Nothing_, Munk. _Nothing_ at all."

Nothing was said. We just stood there, blocking all the hallway traffic. People were complaining, telling us to move out of the way. But we just stood there. We stood there, staring each other down. This went on for about a minute.

"Munkustrap," I said in all seriousness. "_Please_…"

"Please, what?"

"Please…stop being mad at me…"

"You know what?" Munkustrap's nasty tone went away. "I'll be the bigger person here Tugger. I will be. Just admit to me that you're wrong, and I'll forget this whole thing."

I smiled for a moment, before realizing exactly what my brother said. "Wait…what? Munk…I'm _not_ wrong."

"Well then…" Munkustrap was so much smarter than me. He knew how to carefully choose his words. "Are you right…?"

"Yes," I said proudly. "Wait…"

_Damn it…_

"I don't know if _right_ is a good word to use…"

"Oh?" Munkustrap just looked at me, waiting for a reply.

The late bell rang. Both of us were now officially late to class.

"There's no right or wrong way to be. I am what I am, and you are what you are. That's just how it is. You disagree with the way I live? Fine by me…Just don't hate me or shun me or judge me. Just accept it."

"Tug, I really don't care …" he lied. I could easily see the fib on his face. "I couldn't care less if you're gay or not…" I saw some bystanders look at each other, shocked, and whisper. I knew what they were thinking. They must have heard Munkustrap.

_Damn. I'm not ready for people in school to know…!_

"Shh!" I demanded.

"What's wrong Bro? Did I say something bad?" he asked sarcastically.

I frowned, and my nostrils flared out in anger. "Hey!" I shouted, as Munk started to walk away. He turned to look at me once again. "Do you wanna fight?" I blurted out.

"What Tug?" He gave me a nasty face and turned back around to leave. "Just leave me the fuck alone…"

I grabbed him, turned him back around, and punched him, all in one motion. I struck him right in the face. He was taken aback by my sudden attack. I stood there, motionless, as my eyes filled with anger and violence. I just watched as my brother covered his cheek as it started to turn tomato red. A bruise was already starting to form on his face. Suddenly…he punched me right back, in the same spot I punched him in. He knocked me to the ground and started beating at me! I was only able to get one more small punch at him, as I struggled to get up. Students started gathering at the scene.

Munkustrap finally stopped. "You wanted a fucking fight?" he shouted at me. "Well…you got it."

By the time the principal arrived Munkustrap already got off of me, but it was still apparent that a fight occurred.

"What happened?"

"Was there a fight?"

"Who started it?"

I heard all sorts of questions being asked by students and teachers. My hearing was fading more and more every moment. Seconds later, my vision started to blur. After that, everything went black. _Darkness_. I passed out right then and there…

~x~

I woke up in the nurse's office. I was lying on a very comfortable bed. Munkustrap was sitting in a chair across the room from me. I'd bled a little when I hit the ground earlier. But wounds were covered and nurses were called. I wiped the crust off my eyes as my vision started to come back…

"Tugger?"

Startled, I shot up from my relaxed position. "Yes…?"

"Are you feeling better?" one of the nurses asked me.

"Oh. Yeah I'm good now. I guess…"

"Okay." She smiled. "Why don't you and Munkustrap walk down to the attendance office then?"

"Uhh…" I got up. "Sure…" I walked over to Munkustrap, about to tell him that we had to go to attendance.

"Let's go," he instructed me, saying nothing else.

We finally got to the attendance office. It only took about two minutes to walk there, but it seemed like an eternity. We calmly sat down when we walked in, still staying silent.

Munkustrap groaned loudly. "You know Tugger…they called Father while you were still passed out."

"Huh?"

"Father's on his way here. We're _both_ in trouble…"

"Well…" I really didn't know what to say. "Doesn't that just suck?"

Munkustrap made a face at me. "I hope you're happy," he whispered sternly.

Minutes passed, which felt like hours. The bell rang. That means we missed History class. Neither one of us moved from our seats. More and more minutes passed…Four minutes later the late bell rang, and period seven officially started. I then knew for sure Munkustrap was pissed; he hates missing his classes for any sort of reason. He missed all of History and he's probably going to miss all of his English class not more.

I was desperately hoping for the school to not take this seriously. After all, it _was_ just a sibling fight…The school never took sibling fights seriously…_right_? God, I hope not.

_The principal will probably just give us a lecture. Then Dad will give us the same lecture after school. Nothing's going to happen. My brother will still hate me and nothing will change…_

Dad walked in…My heart stopped for a moment when I saw the angry look on his face. It took a lot to make Old Deuteronomy mad. He walked right over to us.

"…A fight?" he asked, disappointed. We both shook our heads in shame.

"Yes, a fight." the principal walked over to us as well.

"How did this happen?" he shook his head. "I raised my sons better than to start a scene…at school! I know you two behave better than that…"

"I'm sorry Father," Munkustrap said.

I rolled my eyes. "I'm not…"

"Oh, of course _you're_ not sorry…"

"Well excuse me…I don't apologize for things that aren't my fault."

"You don't apologize for things that _are_ you're fault…This, by the way, is your fault…"

"You beat _me _up!"

"You threw the first punch!"

"You shoved me _and_ gave me attitude first!"

"You give everyone attitude all the time!"

"Children stop!" Dad yelled. "You two are acting very childish. What's gotten into you these days…?" He turned to the principal. "What is their punishment, sir?"

"Out-of-school suspension for three days," he stated firmly.

Both mine and Munkustrap's eyes widened at that. "THREE DAYS?"

"I'll miss _so much_ work! And with mid-terms coming up in a week, how am I _ever_ going to make it all up?" Munkustrap whined.

"What about the choir concert tomorrow night?" I yelled.

"Oh!" Munkustrap looked at me. "The choir concert! I forgot all about that!"

"We _can't_ miss that!"

"I'm a senior!" Munkustrap added in. "It's my last choir concert _ever_! You're gunna have me miss my last high school concert _ever_!"

"Damn it…I tried out for a solo, and I thought I might actually get it…But if we're suspended how am I gunna do the solo?"

Dad cleared his throat loudly. "Enough is enough! You two disobeyed school rules and you're going to pay the punishment…" he said, totally unsympathetic.

"Father…You can't seriously be taking the school's side…I haven't missed a day of school since the eighth grade…Goodbye perfect attendance…"

"Wait!" I said as we left the attendance office. "My—" I stopped myself. "Never mind…"

With that, we left. Gone for three whole days. Plus the remainder of that day, which made three and a half days.

_My Bible…Where is it? I dropped it before the fight…Who knows where it could be now…_


	4. Chapter 4: Won't Get Fooled Again

_Story: "Who Am I Now?"  
__Chapter: 4: "Won't Get Fooled Again"  
__Author: SensesFaillxx  
__Same disclaimer, same warnings._

_A/N: Okay, so I know you guys will love this chapter, because Misto finally plays a significant role! Keep in mind the background of Tugger and Misto: they used to be really good friends…until Tugger started to fall in love with Misto, and things got weird. Tugger's obsession over him caused their friendship to fall apart…But now that Tugger has bigger problems, Misto's finally willing to listen, and even help, his friend out._

_I also need to give credit where it's due…Most of you probably aren't familiar with the rock group, Family Force 5. Well, they're one of my favorite bands. Back in 1994, when they were only like five years old, the three brothers of the band had a group called The Brothers…They weren't really a big success, only releasing two albums of Christian songs. I'm not really too fond of their old stuff, hearing these peaceful God-related songs from the '90's after listening to the crazy, crunk-rock music of Family Force 5 today. But anyway, back to the point…If anyone knows me, they know my weakness is titles. Well, all the chapter titles of this story come from the titles of the old Catholic songs from one of The Brothers's albums, R.P.M. Since this story is about God, just like the songs, and I'm a hardcore FF5 fan, I decided to use those song titles in my story. But I'm not just using random titles; I'm actually finding the ones I think best suit the chapter._

_…And let's not forget the amazing review-ers: NyokaDelFanfiction, DontBeAZombie…__I love you guys!_

_Now, enough with that! On to chapter four…!_

* * *

It was the first time in months I got to have a legitimate conversation with him. I suppose he liked me a lot more when I didn't obsess over him. We just talked…We sat together in the grass, and _talked_. It was nice. It was refreshing. I told him everything that happened with Munkustrap that week…

"Wow…" Misto could barely believe my story. "That's harsh. I mean, I remember that night last week when you ran to Old Deuteronomy. I had an idea of what was going on, but your dad didn't have a clue…"

"Yupp, that's right. We ran to Dad right after I first told Munk…"

"Does he know now?" Misto asked.

I jerked my head to the side. "Hmm?"

"Your dad. Old D. Did you guys tell him after the fight?"

"Oh…" I paused. "No…I really don't want him to know…I mean, he's not crazy-religious like Munkustrap and me. But…"

"But…"

"The choir concert tonight…" I don't know why I brought up choir in the middle of my conversation with Misto…

"Huh?" he asked, confusedly.

"It's right now."

"What's right now, Tug?"

"The choir concert. I should be singing that solo. I should be there."

"But you got suspended…"

"You got it, Kid."

Misto looked slightly taken aback when I referred to him as _Kid_.

I chuckled to myself at the thought of calling my one love _Kid_. He defiantly wasn't a kid anymore. He was younger than me, but not too much younger. Age shouldn't matter anyway. When you love someone the way I love Misto, age is just a number.

"Tugger…?"

I started to daydream in the middle of my sentence!

_What's wrong with me…?_

"Yeah, Misto…suspended from all school-related activities."

"That really sucks…"

"It sure does…"

"But are you okay now?"

"Okay…?"

"Yeah…Did you and Munkus work it out?"

"Oh…" I chuckled again, this time out loud. "Misto…I don't think we're ever going to be fully okay again.

"Really?" Misto looked suddenly upset. "Is there anything I can do to help? Do you want me to talk to your brother? I'm here whenever if you need to talk."

"No. No." I smiled. "And thank you. But…If you see a Bible laying around…One that says _Rum Tum Tugger_ on the inside…Could you give it to me?"

"Of course!"

I bent my head slightly as my cheeks turned a rosy red.

_Why am I blushing? More importantly, why does Misto choose now to care so much about me?_

"Tugger are you okay?" Misto seemed concerned. "Your face looks flushed. And yet, you still smile. Typical Tugger...always smiling." We both giggled at that. "But seriously, do you want me to walk you over to Jenny's den? Maybe she can help…"

"Thanks Mist, but I'm fine."

"Really…?"

"Yes, really."

We both wore the biggest smiles, as we starred at each other for a few moments.

"Tug?" Misto asked, still somewhat smiling. "I want you to know that no matter what I won't judge you…"

"What do you mean?"

"Well…You know how Munkustrap's being all anti-gay just 'cause the Bible says so? I just want you to know that it doesn't bother me."

That surprised me. It really did. I always felt like Misto was bothered with my…_condition._ "Wow…what's with the sudden change in opinion?"

"No change. None whatsoever. I never had a problem with your homosexuality. I had a problem with the actions you took that came with it…"

"_Had_ a problem._ Had_?"

Misto nodded, and inched slightly closer to me.

_Why did he move closer to me? Did he just purposely try to get closer to me…?_

I could feel my blood pressure rise. I could feel sweat slowly drip down my face. I could feel the butterflies swiftly fly through my stomach. My insides started to twist and turn and do all sorts of back-flips, like Tumblebrutus at the Jellicle Ball. Then…it happened…His lips touched mine. As I realized exactly what was happening, I pressed my lips onto his even more, deepening the kiss. He pulled me even closer to him, trapping in all the body heat between us. We maneuvered our lips and tongues around for about another minute, before finally letting go.

Nothing else mattered at that point in time. All that mattered was that Misto kissed me. Yes, _he _kissed_ me_! At last, my long-awaited moment came true! Nothing could ever ruin that moment. Everything that happened with Munkustrap that week just disappeared. All I could think about was that kiss, that magical, mind-blowing kiss. The butterflies eased down as I looked into Misto's beautiful green eyes. We smiled at each other shyly; that time we were both blushing. I wouldn't have minded sitting there in silence forever, but, in a way, I really wanted him to say something.

"Tugger?" There it was. He finally decided to break the silence.

"Yes, Love?" I smiled dreamily at him.

"Did that just happen…?" He got up rather hastily.

I got up too. "I sure hope so!" He looked at me weirdly. "…'Cause if it was fake…we're both loosing insanity."

"Funny…" he said sarcastically, but still smiling. "I'll see you around Tugger."

I never though I would be that happy ever again. I thought I was doomed to depression for the rest of my life. I was confused beyond belief, but happy nonetheless.

_If being gay is really religiously wrong, then so be it. Punish me in whatever way You want, 'cause that was absolutely worth it!_

Nothing could have shattered my mood as I walked on cloud nine for the rest of the day.

_…And definitely worth missing choir for…!_

_

* * *

_

A/N: I hope that wasn't too fluffy…The next chapter's gunna be intense. I'm trying my hand at something completely new to me, with the help of a beta-reader. I'll try not to take too long to update. R&R:)


	5. Chapter 5: Let's Talk Reality

_Story: "Who Am I Now?"  
__Chapter: 5: "Let's Talk Reality"  
__Author: SensesFaillxx  
__Actually, I have new disclaimers and warnings…_

_DiSCLAiMER: yes, all rights still go to the amazing Andrew Lloyd Webber and T.S. Eliot for the characters of CATS. But also, I told you all about the chapter titles last time. So I also need to give rights to The Brothers, Family Force 5, Solomon Olds (Soul Glow Activatur), Jacob Olds (Crouton), Joshua Olds (Phatty), Jerome Olds, and Star Song Records for the chapter titles._

_WARNiNG: yes, the SLASH warning (and the Catholic religion thing) are still part of the warning…But I also forgot to mention the "mild-language"…Some people get offended by the swearing, which is perfectly fine, that's why I should have included it in the warning. Also, specifically for this chapter, there's sexual content…I really don't want to change the rating to M, but I gladly will if anyone asks…_

_Another note: I looked into it, and some people (actually most) refer to AH as "alternate-history". In this story I've been referring to AH as "all-human"._

_THANKS go to my AMAZiNG reviewers: N e k o S o d a, FantabulousMe, r1y2r3e4s, DontBeAZombie, NyokaDelFanfiction_

* * *

That night I decided to take advantage of my suspension. I slept in the clearing, in the middle of the grass. I wanted to stay in that spot forever…The spot where Misto kissed me to night before. I woke up the next morning to the sound of nature. Birds chirped as they flew from tree to tree. It was a soothing change to wake up so peacefully. As I lay down, half-asleep, in the grass, I suddenly heard that voice. It was Misto's voice. That comforting, relaxing voice…

_Mmm…dreams come true…waking up to the sound of my love calling my name…_

"Tugger! Tugger!" I could hear his voice as it got closer and closer to me.

I finally sat up, yawning and stretching.

"Tugger!" Misto hovered over me. "What are you doing in the middle of the clearing?" he asked, confusedly.

"Slept here…" I said, still extremely sleepy.

Misto rolled his eyes, and laughed to himself. "Tugger, I need to talk to you…" He was serious that time. "Look. Last night was a mistake. I'm sorry for confusing you like that, but I need to be honest."

"Hmm?" I yawned once again. "No mistake, Mist…Perfectly fine…" Still drowsy, I started to stroke his arm. "It's all good, my love."

"Uhh…Oh hey! Munkustrap's coming over!" Misto announced, waking me up completely. He pointed into the direction of Munkustrap.

"WHAT?" I shouted abruptly. Go Misto, go!"

"But Tugger…"

"Get the fuck away…now! I don't want you to be near when Munkustrap comes over…"

Munkustrap came up to the two of us, looking surprisingly cheerful. "'Morning guys."

"Hey Munku," Misto greeted.

"Hey Misto." My brother looked at me. "Tugger…?"

I groaned.

"Alright…" he seemed confused, and turned to Misto. "Would you mind leaving me alone with my brother for a little while?"

My eyes grew big with shock.

"Oh. Of course," Misto said, as he got up to leave.

"Wait!" I screeched. "Misto, I changed my mind. Don't leave. Please!"

"Why not, Tugger?"

"Because…" I said in a _duh_ attitude. "There needs to be a valid witness around when Munkustrap murders me."

Munkustrap sighed, and rolled his eyes. "Tugger, don't worry. I actually want to talk this time."

"Whatever. Good luck Tug," Misto joked. "See you guys around." With that, Mistoffelees walked away from the clearing, to his den.

"Well… I'm outta here. See you around Munk," I said quickly, as I stood up.

"Seriously Tugger, we really need to work this out somehow."

"Well, _Brother_, I already told you in the office…I'm not apologizing for something that's not my fault." I started to walk away, but Munkustrap grabbed me, and forced me to stay put.

"Fine then _I'll_ apologize." He paused. "Either way, this needs to be solved."

"That's very true…"

"Tugger, just listen to me. I'm sorry for everything. I'm sorry for ignoring you, telling you to stay out of my life, trying to change you, beating you up, making both of us miss school _and_ the choir concert, and, most importantly, for judging you." He said all of this very fast, but I could tell he was being honest.

"So you _don't _hate me?"

"Tugger!" He sounded irritated. "I _never_ hated you!"

"Really…? Interesting…"

_I'm just gunna go along with this for now. If Munkustrap's serious, he'll show it…_

"Listen…The night you told me…I felt like one second I was looking at you normally. Then I blinked, and suddenly you were a whole different person."

"I'm no different than before. Just now…you know I'm gay."

"What about God, though?"

"What about Him?"

"Well…You know what the Bible says about gays…"

"That's the Bible. That's not God's words. It's just the Bibles words. If God was serious when He said that 'all men were created equal', then He shouldn't have a problem with me." I paused, and took a moment to really look at my brother.

_I can tell he's taking me seriously for the first time in ages. Come to think of it, this might just be the first time he's ever taken me seriously. When I was the trouble-making man-whore, he basically just saw me as a flaming idiot. When I was all depressed for that long period of time, he saw me as helpless. I was the baby brother, the one who needed special help and care. But I'm so much more than that…Surely he must know that…_

"Is that how you feel Tug?"

"Munku… I don't know how to feel. I know I'm gay. But I also know I'm Catholic. I know that when you shunned me, I felt like shit. I'm so confused right now, but I thought I would have an older brother who could help me get through it. Sure, I was nervous to tell you, but I didn't imagine your reaction would be _that_ bad…"

"That's it…From now on I won't judge you ever again. I'm here for you whenever you need a brother. A _friend_."

"Seriously…?"

"Yupp. Anytime, Bro" He smiled, but then continued, "…Except tonight. I'm taking Demeter out to dinner. I mean, I guess if you really need me you can wait 'till we get home, but we'll probably be back late. I want the night to be as romantic as possible."

An idea suddenly popped into my head. "Me too," I mumbled softly to myself, and nodded my head. A wide smirk grew on my face.

"Huh?" Munkustrap's head fell to one side. "Tugger? You okay?"

"Oh! Uhh…yeah. Thanks for the talk Munkustrap. Really. I feel a lot better now."

"Um…Sure thing." He watched me as I walked away.

_Munkustrap's not the only one who's getting some romance tonight…_

~x~

I was alone. I sat in my den. All by myself. I looked at my imaginary watch to check the time.

_Misto should be getting here any minute now!_

After a few minutes, which seemed like hours, there was finally a knock on the door. I got up rather promptly, checked myself out in the mirror, and fixed my hair. "Come in," I said quietly, trying to seem casual. I couldn't let him see how nervous I was. I turned around to see Misto shyly opening the door. "Hey. Don't be a stranger! Come in, come in!" I took his hand and brought him to the couch.

"Wow Tugger. You combed your hair…" Misto nodded at my appearance as we sat down together.

"Well, what can I say…?" I smiled, satisfied that he noticed my appearance. "So, you wanted to talk to me before? When Munkustrap interrupted?"

"Oh…right…" Misto seemed a bit reluctant to talk about it. "Well you were practically sleeping anyway…"

"Yeah…But I'm awake now."

He gave me a half-hearted smile. "So, how'd it go with Munkustrap anyway?"

"Oh, well we worked it all out."

"Really? Tell me about it."

"Why do you wanna know so much…?"

"I'm curious."

I gave him a suspicious look, but continued, "Well Munkustrap apologized for how he acted with me…But I still feel like I'm doing something wrong religiously…"

"Don't worry about it. Everything is what it is. It's not like we can change it," Misto said.

"Munkustrap also said that him and Demeter are out on a dinner-date tonight." I paused to lick my lips. "Jemima's at your den, having a sleepover with Victoria. Dad's at an overnight business meeting…" I smirked. "So…What a shame it would be if we didn't take advantage of this _wonderful_ opportunity."

Misto leaned closer to me and kissed my cheek oh-so-softly. It sent chills down my whole body. I exhaled loudly, as my eyes snapped shut. "Feeling okay Tugger?" he asked sincerely.

"Mhm…" I mumbled.

Misto sighed. "I'm sorry. I should stop leading you on. It's just…I've been having mixed feelings lately. I'm not purposely trying to hurt you."

I opened my eyes. "Then why are you so against giving it a try? You obviously have some sort of feelings for me."

"I know Tug. But…"

"Shh," I said, delicately placing a finger over his mouth. I felt him lightly breathe on my index finger for a few moments. I wrapped my arms around him, and brought him closer to me. In a matter of seconds our lips met. Our noses softly nuzzled each other as we moved our heads around. I felt tingles run through my body as his tongue entered my mouth. He ran his hands through my hair playfully, and moved down my neck and back slowly. I pushed his mouth harder into mine as the kiss grew deeper.

After a while I let out a heavy moan, partially from pleasure and partially from lack of breath. The kiss eventually came to an end, when we both gasped for air. I rested my forehead on Misto's as we smiled at each other. I kissed his lips once again, and pushed him so he was slightly lower than me.

"I love you." I kissed him once again, as I forced him down even lower.

"Tug…What're you doing?"

"Trust me, Love. I'll take care of you."

"But…I don't think I'm ready," Misto tried to tell me, as he released himself from my grasp.

"I won't hurt you," I reassured him suavely. I shifted him back into his original position underneath me. "I would never do anything to hurt you. Misto, I'm different than I used to be with all those girls."

"How so?"

"Because I don't just want pleasure from you. I want _love_. You know I'd never take advantage of you or your body. You know I'll always love you."

"Yes Tugger, I've realized that. It's all great, it really is, but this isn't a matter of how much you love me. I just don't think I'm emotionally ready."

Unsatisfied, I got up off of Misto. "Fine. I won't make you do anything, Mist."

He smiled. "Thanks Tug."

"_But_…" There was always a _but_ with me; that's just how it worked. Misto rolled his eyes as I continued. "I could help you. I could help you become ready."

We both sat there in silence for a little while. Finally he spoke.

"I—I trust you," he said. "Tugger, I trust you one-hundred percent with my body. I'm yours for the night."

We smiled at each other.

_That's not what I wanted to hear. I want him to be mine forever…not just for the night…_

"You won't regret it, I promise." I shifted around until I was almost completely on top of Misto. I started to place light kisses all over his face. He closed his eyes in enjoyment and smiled. As I started to unbutton his shirt, a sudden realization hit me. "I'll…" I paused, moaning. "I'll be right back."

"Where're you going?" Misto asked, as I go up off of him.

"I just need to do something real fast…" I sprinted out of the room, and went into my room. I bent down on my knees and folded my hands together. I shut my eyes and tilted my head upward towards the ceiling.

_Please God…Don't punish me for what I'm about to do. I love him, and that's all that matters. I hope You understand._

I did the sign of the cross with my hands to finish off the prayer. I got up from the floor. "Hey Mist…" I called out to him. "Why don't you come into my room."

He walked down the hall, towards me. "Sure, but why? Nobody's here…"

"I know, but it feels more…_private_ in here."

He nodded, and walked into my room. I shut the door behind him.

"So…Where were we?" I asked, obviously knowing where we left off.

"I think you were about to take off my shirt…?" Misto said, surprisingly bold.

I laughed to myself. "Oh, of course." I smiled, and finished unbuttoning Misto's shirt. I started to caress his chest as he moved his body even closer to mine. I leaned my head inward so I could kiss his neck. His breathing became even heavier when I moved my head down to his chest. I started to trail kisses down his torso. I lifted my head to kiss him once more. To my surprise, Misto pulled away sort of…_quickly_. "Mist. Is everything okay?" I asked, looking into his eyes.

"I love you," he whispered. He looked sincere…honest…genuine…cute…adorable...everything I could ever ask for.

_Well…This is it._

"I love you too." I smiled. I knew what was about to happed, but decided to embrace it.

_This is okay…After all, it's not my first time having sex…But it's my first time with someone I actually love…_


	6. Chapter 6: Wake Up Everybody

_Story: "Who Am I Now?"_  
_Chapter: 6: "Wake Up Everybody"_  
_Author: SensesFaillxx_

_same disclaimers, same warnings_

_Thanks to all my review-ers!_

_FantabulousMe: Thanks:) I knew I wanted Munkustrap to forgive Tugger eventually, but I think I might have rushed it. Hope you like this chapter._

_HPJellicleCat: Thanks:) I'm guessing you liked the fluffiness? I'm verrry honored to be your 'favorite author'! I'm loving your story too!_

_CrazyIndigoChild: Thanks:) I hope I didn't rush into Misto's first time. The way I was going was that Tugger's not bothered by all the sex he's having. He was just worried because it was his first time with another guy. That's why he prayed first._

_DontBeAZombie: Thanks:) Misto and Tugger have a lot to talk about afterwards. And as for Munkustrap, he's just getting by, trying to get used to the whole thing. But…he doesn't know Tugger's 'obsession' with Mist.:)_

_I hope this one isn't too short. I'll try to add a lot of detail!_

* * *

The next morning I woke up wrapped in Misto's arms.

"Mist…wake up…wake up!" I urged at him.

His eyes suddenly opened. "Wha-? Tugg?" he asked sleepily. "Oh…I slept here?" He seemed as if he didn't even remember the night before.

"Yeah." I smiled. "Uhh…Not to rush or anything, but you should probably go before Munkustrap finds out you spent the night."

"Why?"

"Because…" I sat up. "Jemima and Vikki are here," I said to Misto.

"What? How do you know?"

"I've gotten used to it…"

Misto looked confusedly at me.

"I can sense them…only the kittens. I need to know when those hyperactive little freaks are gunna chase me down." I could tell Misto was still a bit confused. "It's like how Demeter can sense Macavity. Plus…my niece is a _loud_ one!" I got up and walked to a drawer, still wearing nothing but boxers. "Hey Mist. Do you need to borrow a shirt?"

"Oh…" He looked down, still drowsy. "Uhh...yeah, actually I probably do need one. Would that be okay?"

"Of course, Love." I tossed him a plaid button-down, as I grabbed a shirt and jeans for myself.

"I can't remember what we did with _my_ shirt…" He said to me, looking aimlessly around the room. "But there's no way I'm walking out of here in my boxers to go find it."

"Good call Mist. I threw it somewhere in here. It'll pop up…eventually."

I was about to do my belt when the door opened behind me. Misto froze.

_Should I even dare to turn around?_

Of course, as the curious guy, I did. There was Munkustrap, looking confused and awkward.

My speechless brother handed me my Bible. "I…I found it…"

I opened it up to the first page. There it was. My name, _The Rum Tum Tugger_, was written on the inside.

"Uhh…" My brother turned to Misto. "Victoria was looking for you," he said quickly. "I'll tell her you're here." Munkustrap turned around to exit, shutting the door behind him.

_Damn. Munkustrap knows. He totally knows. Me and Misto both had no shirts on, and I was buttoning my belt. He defiantly pieced it together…Awkward…_

I looked to the ground in embarrassment.

"Let me guess," Misto said, rolling his eyes. "Munkustrap doesn't know…"

I looked at him and nodded.

"Typical…I should have known." Misto stood up, as if he was going to leave.

"No, no, no, no!" I shouted, running towards the bed. "It doesn't matter Mist. I mean, we're alone now. It's not like Munkustrap would walk in again after…that." I kissed him lightly, and waited for a response.

Misto smiled. That's all I needed to see.

"C'mon, let's go inside." We both got up. "I'll make eggs."

"Why eggs?" Misto asked.

"Why _not_ eggs?" I shot back playfully. "Uhh…in celebration of _us_."

~x~

"Misto! There you are!" Victoria squealed as we walked to the kitchen.

"Here I am," he joked with his sister.

"Why were you here anyway?" an innocent, naïve Jemima asked.

"We had a _sleepover_. Just like you two…Well, not _exactly_…" I said, winking at Misto. I laughed and walked past them to get to the fridge.

Munkustrap whispered to me, "Not in front of the kids Bro." I was still laughing at my own joke, but he was totally serious.

"Whatever Munku. It goes right over their heads," I whispered back.

"Not the point…" He still looked serious.

"Munkustrap. You're not mad at me are you?"

"No! Of course not! It's just…" He let out a long sigh. "I guess I just need to get used to this."

"Get used to what?" I grabbed a few eggs from the carton and slid the rest back into the fridge.

"Huh?" Munkustrap looked confused. "Tugger, are we on the same page?"

"Not in front of the kids, Bro." I whispered, imitating my brother. He rolled his eyes as we both started to crack up. "By the way, where did you find my Bible?"

"Oh, well I went to school to get all the worked I missed from suspension. Someone said it was found in the courtyard and gave it to me."

"Wow. Only _you_ would go to school on your day off!"

"Hey. Mid-terms are next week! I need to catch up on what I missed." He sighed again. "So apparently the choir was better than ever."

"Yeah…Sorry about that by the way."

"Hey, it was _my_ fault. Don't sweat it." He smiled.

I triumphed in my head, happy that Munkustrap finally admitted the fight was his fault. "Well hey; you're the senior who missed his last high school concert _ever_."

"Yeah, so stop reminding me."

"Oh. My bad. Anyway…want any eggs?"

"Hm? Oh, no. But ask the kids."

"Alright…" I started to walk away, towards the stove.

"Oh, Tugger," he said, his tone lowering once again. I turned around. "I expect updates with Misto now," he said in his overprotective older brother tone.

I smiled. "Oh, of course." I rolled my eyes, joking.

"Wait. Really. I mean…" he paused, thinking of correct words to use. "How long has this been going on?"

It suddenly turned awkward again. "Since…yesterday."

Munkustrap's eyes widened. "Tugger? It wasn't just a one-time thing was it? Misto's not like all those girls. You know that, right?"

"Yes, I realize that _Mom_. You don't even know the whole story…"

"Okay well, I'd like to know the whole story."

"Fine I'll tell you. But you can't interfere!"

"Of course Bro."

"After breakfast." I walked over to the stove to cook the eggs for everyone.

_He _thinks_ I'm telling him…_


	7. Chapter 7: Tell the World

_Story__: "Who Am I Now?"  
__Chapter__: 7: "Tell the World"  
__Author__: StJimmyHasSinned  
__same disclaimers, same warnings_

_A/N: Don't be alarmed! It's still me, SensesFaillxx, just with a new username. I always told myself that I would never change my username, but here I am now…Okay, so I haven't updated this story in a month, which must really suck for all you readers! I was going through all my reviews yesterday and came to a realization: My _Cats_ reviews are much more thought-out than my _American Idiot_ reviews. So why would I put them before you? …Exactly, I shouldn't! So here's the long-awaited chapter seven! (Also, I'm trying to wrap this story up a little, so be aware of that.) Like always, before I begin, I must thank my review-ers:_

_DontBeAZombie: your reviews always make me laugh! I've had to miss out on your humor for a month. Thanks! :)_

_FantabulousMe: I'm glad you get my humor; some people just don't. haha. Thanks again for being a faithful review-er! :)_

_r1y2r3e4s: It's okay that you missed a chapter; I do that all the time. As long as you like the story. :) Just one question, what does your username mean?_

_HPJellicleCat: Well here I am, mentioning you in my author's note once again. I hope you're happy! :) I'm glad you liked the chapter._

* * *

My last day of suspension was boring. While Munkustrap was doing make-up homework in his room, I was down the hall. I sat on my bed for hours, thinking to myself. My Bible sat next to me, but I was uninterested in it for a while. Mistoffelees was the only thing of significance to me at the time.

After a few hours of silence, I decided to read from my Bible. I picked it up and began to read from Galatians. It was one of my favorite books of the Bible; it really spoke out to me.

I planned on spending the night by myself. Unfortunately for me, Munkustrap ruined my plans. After only ten minutes of reading from my Bible, Munkustrap barged into my room. I looked up as my door opened.

"Hey," I said simply.

He looked at me and invited himself in my room. "Tugger, are you alright?" He sat next to me on my bed.

"Yeah, I've just got a lot on my mind."

He nodded.

"There's just…so much going on right now."

"And I assume none of this has to do with midterms, correct?"

I chuckled. "Correct…"

He picked up the Bible and started to read. "Galatians?" he asked. "Just out of curiosity…why Galatians?"

"I don't know…"

"Sure you do."

"It's always been one of my favorite books."

"And why's that?"

"It…helps me. I guess," I said. "It reminds me that there's nothing wrong with me…It reminds me that I'm normal…"

Munkustrap lifted an eyebrow. "And the other books don't do that…?" he asked confusedly.

"It's not _that_…" I didn't know how to explain it. I didn't really know the answer myself. "Munkus…Thanks for the help, but I need to be alone right now."

He smirked at me. "Nice try, but I don't give up that easily."

I sighed loudly, standing up. "Let's…go for a walk," I said, stretching.

"Um…sure?" Munkustrap go up too. "But…why?"

I smiled. "Maybe it's time to tell Dad what's been going on."

"You mean…that you're…"

"Gay? Yes."

He smiled back at me. "So, does this mean you've made your decision? Are you choosing love over religion?"

"I'm still not sure, but either way, I think Dad needs to know…"

With that, Munkustrap and I walked out of my room, and started off to the other side of the junkyard.

~x~

"Maybe Dad can help you decide," Munkustrap said as we walked on.

"What do you mean?"

"Well…Maybe he can help you decide which is more important…Love or religion."

I exhaled loudly. "No, no, no…He _can't_ do that Munk. It's my decision. I need to figure this out on my own."

"Alright, alright, it was just a suggestion," Munkustrap said. "_But_, that doesn't mean you can't ask for other opinions."

"That's true, but the ultimate decision is up to me…I wish this wasn't so stressful. Why can't this just be easy?"

Munkustrap wrapped an arm around me sympathetically. "Maybe it _is_ easy. Maybe you're just over-thinking this whole situation Tugger."

"Trust me, I'm not…"

We arrived at the clearing, where Old Deuteronomy assumed his usual spot. He was talking to the infamous Tantomile and Coricopat. They were surely talking about their latest prediction, which could possibly be something to do with the safety of the Jellicles.

Dad noticed our arrival and turned his attention to us. "Sons?"

I decided to keep quiet and let Munkustrap do all the talking for a while. He was always better than me when it came to being presentable.

"Father," Munkustrap said. He took a step forward and urged me to follow. "Do you have a moment?"

I looked at my brother. "Munk, this is probably going to take more than just a moment…" I whispered.

He nodded his head. "True…" He then turned back to Dad. "Father, can we please speak with you? It's sort of…important."

"Well," the Jellicle leader spoke. "We're just about done here, aren't we?" he asked the two psychic twins.

"Yes," Tantomile said plainly.

"We are done," Coricopat chimed in.

"Thank you for your time Sir," the two said in unison. A second passed, and they were gone. They vanished into thin air…

Now that I was finally alone with my dad and brother, I felt less under pressure to be formal. "What was that all about?" I asked in a colloquial tone.

Dad started to chuckle. "Sons, trust me. Whatever you came here to talk to me about is much more important than what they had to say."

Munkustrap and I sat down next to Dad. The three of us sat in silence for a moment. "You start off…" I mumbled.

My brother rolled his eyes. "Tugger, I'll help you, but this is _your_ issue," he muttered back.

"I can't help but notice that we're on speaking terms again," Dad said wittily. "Last time you two came to see me, I sensed a lot of tension. And then there was the fight at school…"

"Yeah," I decided to speak. "But it's all okay now," I lied.

"Not exactly…" Munkustrap gave me a stern look, urging me to continue. "Tugger, we didn't come here to confuse Father even more."

"I _would_ like to know what's been going on between my sons. I'll help in whatever way I'm capable."

I smiled. "Thanks Dad, but you can't exactly physically do anything to help. I just need…advice…or any sort of opinion you have…"

"Well in order to hear my input you must tell me what's been bothering you."

"I know but…" I froze. "Ugh…Why can't we get those supernatural freaks back here…They can tell you what's wrong. They can tell _me_ what's wrong, because frankly, I don't even know."

Munkustrap put a caring hand on my shoulder. "Father, Tugger is really…_confused_ about some things now, and he could use some fatherly advice."

I smiled at my brother. "Now look whose confusing Dad even more…"

Old Deuteronomy sat there patiently.

Suddenly, Tantomile and Coricopat appeared in plain sight once again! We were all taken aback by their entrance.

"You'd better think twice next time…" Tantomile started.

"…Before calling us _freaks_," Coricopat finished. "But," he continued.

"We'll help you out with your problem." They both looked straight at me.

I was started to feel a little freaked out. "How, may I ask, are you going to help?"

"Shh…" The two twins sat in front of me, legs crossed, completely still. After about two minutes they finally opened their eyes. Coricopat nodded at Tantomile.

"Old Deuteronomy," Tantomile spoke. "The Rum Tum Tugger, your son, has been in a very depressed state, which he's just starting to get out of lately. He's beginning to question his religion…for an unknown reason."

"Oh? You weren't able to catch _why_ he's questioning his religion?" Coricopat asked his sister. "I found out why. That part came easily to me."

"Then why don't you tell that part," Tantomile said.

"Old Deuteronomy," Coricopat spoke. "The Rum Tum Tugger, your son, is homosexual…He's been very worried about his religion because it's very much against that lifestyle."

I looked at Dad to see his reaction to the news. He didn't show any sign of anger. He just sat there, calm as ever, absorbing in all of this new information.

"Tugger is in the middle of a desperate search to find himself. Resentment is starting to take over, causing a fight to break out in school. He thinks that anger will make him feel better…"

"But, he will soon realize that anger isn't the answer. Depression isn't going to solve his problem either."

"So…" I started. "What do you think I should do?" Although I was totally freaked out, everything they said was dead-on the spot.

"We can't tell you the difference between right and wrong Tugger," Tantomile said.

"But," Coricopat started. "We can tell you one thing. You need to figure yourself out before making any key decisions. Try to look back to a year ago. What were you feeling back then?"

I thought to myself for a moment before answering. "That was when I was really depressed…"

"Yes," Tantomile stated. "Your love is what made you miserable. Your religion is what helped you find happiness."

"So are you saying that religion is the way to go?" I asked.

"I did not say that," Tantomile said. "There are all sorts of religions out there. But you only fall in love once."

"So then I should stick with my love."

Coricopat seemed annoyed. "Tugger, you are not grasping this correctly." He paused, and closed his eyes once again. Tantomile did the same as her brother. "How important is Mistoffelees to you?" Coricopat asked after a moment of silence.

I was a little taken aback at that. "Wha-," I paused. "Now you know about Misto too? What exactly did you just do?"

"Tugger, just answer the question," Munkustrap said.

I sighed. "He means the world to me. I'd be lost without him. I…I _love_ him."

Old Deuteronomy seemed a bit shaken at my response. That was the first time he'd heard anything about Misto in this situation. It must have also been weird for him to hear his son confess his love for another guy.

"If that's how you feel…" Coricopat started.

"…How could you be willing to give that all up for your religion?"

"I love God too…" I answered, rather quickly.

"Right, and which one is telling you to give up the other?"

"Well, I don't think I'm ready to give anything up…" I sighed once again, letting my head fall onto my brother's shoulder.

"This goes back to finding yourself first," Tantomile said.

I nodded.

"We should be leaving you now Tugger," Coricopat said.

"I hope we were able to help you out somewhere Tugger," Tantomile said.

"Yes. You did help. Thank you." I smiled.

"Goodbye," the twins said at once, disappearing into thin air once again.

I nodded, happy with everything they told me.

Dad seemed confused.

"Do you get it now Dad?" Munkustrap asked.

He nodded. "Yes, I think so. Although my head hurts from all of that…" We laughed.

"_Your_ head hurts? They read my mind, but I feel like they took a chunk out of my brain…" I joked back. "But whatever, they helped me out."

"Would you still like to talk to me Son?"

I paused for a moment. "No, I don't really have much more to talk about. But Dad, I'm feeling pretty relieved that you're up to date with everything."

"I'm glad Tugger. Come talk anytime you need to."

"Thanks. C'mon Munkus, let's go back. I'm tired, and I have a lot more to think about now."

"Goodnight Father," Munkustrap said, before following me back to our place.

I went straight to my room to contemplate everything. Those twins, they really get you thinking…

_A/N: OMG I really like that! More than I expected! I hope you all liked it too. As a treat for keeping all you amazing readers waiting for a month, that was a 2,000-word chapter. Yes, I had to throw my favorite set of twins into the mix. They're just so amazing haha. R&R :) Expect chapter eight soon!_


	8. Chapter 8: It's A Fact

_Story__: "Who Am I Now?  
__Chapter__: 8: "It's A Fact"  
__Author__: StJimmyHasSinned (or SensesFaillxx)_

_same disclaimers, same warnings_

_A/N: I'm feeling really guilty about the long waits for these chapters, but, like they say, good things come in time. :) Plus, like I mentioned last time, my Cats reviews motivate me a lot more than my American Idiot review (with the exception of Lizsername, of course). Also, like I said earlier, this story is smoothly coming to an end. There will only be one or two more chapters after this one. Even though I loved my last chapter (in all its 2000-word glory), I feel it was a bit…messy. So I guess my way of making up for that is a kick-ass chapter eight! But first, I gotta thank the reviewers:_

_r1y2r3e4s: Yay for no more penname confusion! :D And I loved your little school story. :) It made my day._

_HPJellicleCat: Here you are in the A/N once again. :) And I'm glad you loved the twins just as much as I did._

_FantabulousMe: Thanks. :) Even though I made Munkustrap all pissy about Tugger's gayness, I really couldn't see Old Deut being like that._

_DontBeAZombie: haha another funny review from you! ...Like always. :) Good idea about never calling those twins freaks again; I'm glad my story teaches valuable life-lessons._

_liljub: new reviewer! Success! :) I loved all of your reviews. You're very funny. I hope you keep reading._

* * *

I had so many things to think about…so many things to consider. If I made the wrong choice it could affect my entire life. With mid-terms around the corner and having to adjust to school again certainly didn't help…

I sat at my desk in the Biology room half-way through third period the first day I returned from suspension. Pouncival, who sat at my neighboring desk, kept trying to whisper crap to me. I tried to say invisible during the teacher's lecture, but thanks to Pounce, that wasn't too easy.

_Like the twins said…there are so many different religions to choose from, but I'm only going to fall in love once…_

_And…Misto would _never _force me to make a decision like this…_

_On the other hand…I'm under a lot of pressure with my tribe. Munkustrap and Dad expect me to be on my best behavior, which surely won't happen without my religion…_

_And…How hard would it be explaining to the whole Jellicle tribe that Misto and I are a couple? I'm sure some of the adults wouldn't like us promoting gay behavior in front of the kids…I mean, Misto's own sister is still a kid…_

_I can't be tied down…I just don't work like that…To be in a relationship, I would need to be faithful. What if one day Bomba makes me an offer I just can't turn down? I wouldn't want to put poor Misto through all that stress anyway…_

"Excuse me," my teacher's wicked voice yelled.

My head shot up from its relaxed position of my desk.

"Every time I turn my head you two start whispering."

I started to look around the room confusedly.

"Yes, I'm talking to you Tugger and Pouncival. What is so important that you can't save it for after my lesson? Are you two even taking notes?" He seemed really pissed off, but I didn't know what to do.

We both remained silent.

"So _now_ you keep quiet…" The teacher nodded his head disappointedly and turned around to write on the chalkboard and finish the lecture.

~x~

That night seemed longer than ever. There was a smooth breeze, and leaves were beginning to fall from the trees. I stood alone with Misto in the middle of the junkyard, about to make the biggest decision of my life…about to break both of our hearts. With the Jellicle moon shining high above us, I kissed his lips passionately. I held both his hands in mine, tightening my grip every second. "Misto, Love," I spoke quietly. "I'm sorry…but…we can't do that anymore."

He froze. His face, and whole body for that matter, went into complete shock.

I tried so hard to hold back the tears, but it didn't seem to work as I felt some escape from my eyes. "I truly _am_ sorry Mistoffelees."

"So what? You just don't love me anymore?" Misto asked, also starting to tear. Hearing those words was the hardest part…

"I will never stop loving you. I promise." I leaned in for one last kiss, but Misto retreated. He let go of my hands and walked away from the scene. I thought of chasing after him, but it wouldn't have done any good. Once he was out of sight I couldn't fight it anymore…Tears began to leak from my eyes until I found myself crying against a tree.

I headed back to my den to let out all my emotion without anyone noticing. I slammed the door to my room right away and sat against it. After looking around for a moment I noticed Misto's shirt lying on my floor. Suddenly, I heard the door across the hall open. I hushed so I could hear what was going on outside.

"Daddy?" Jemima's soft, worried voice spoke. "Why is Uncle Tuggy crying?"

_A/N: Okay, so this chapter's sort of short, but I love it. For those of you who have read "Tugger's Mate" did you notice the "I can't be tied down" line? I knew I wanted to add that in somewhere. :) I can honestly say that an update will be soon this time! Reviews make the world go 'round! :D_


	9. Chapter 9: It's A Miracle

_Story__: "Who Am I Now?"  
__Chapter__: 9: "It's A Miracle"  
__Author__: StJimmyHasSinned (or SensesFaillxx)_

_same disclaimers, same warnings_

_A/N: I can't believe it's come to this…the LAST chapter! OMG I need to thank all my review-ers!_

_HPJellicleCat: I always loved your reviews! You're frikken amazing! Thanks for reading/liking my story_

_r1y2r3e4s: I actually meant that story you PMed me about that one time. It was funny. But anyway, thanks so much_

_DontBeAZombie: you've pretty much been reading since the beginning. Thanks for being a faithful reviewer, and also your reviews were always hilarious!_

_Calanarie: I was actually thinking of doing Misto's POV, but that wouldn't come for a while. It would be a good idea though…Thanks for the review!_

_CrazyIndigoChild: your review was my favorite this time :) Thanks for all the support/reviews_

_Felixfeles: okay so your username sounds really familiar to me! It reminds me of like Harry Potter of something. What's it from? Thanks for the review_

_And everyone else who reviewed other chapters:_

_liljub  
__FantabulousMe  
__NyokaDelFanfiction  
__N e k o S o d a  
__imaginationroxmysox  
__FinalFallenFantasy_

_So tell me what you liked about the story. What didn't you like? What was your favorite part? Did I make any spelling/grammar mistakes you would like to inform me about? (because I REALLY hate those)?_

_Onto the last chapter. *__sobs*_

* * *

Chapter nine:

Later that night Munkustrap decided to pay me a visit. I tried to play it cool, pretending everything was perfectly fine. But, unfortunately, Jemima heard my cries earlier, which brings me back to Munkustrap's stopover.

He suspected what happened just by the look on my face. I could feel the dried-up tears still resting upon my features. Without even speaking a word to my brother, he asked, "Did you break up with Mistoffelees?"

I nodded shamefully. Just the mere thought of being without Misto made me shudder. I felt disgusted with myself…unsatisfied…horrible…

Even though he predicted it, Munkustrap was still shocked. "Really? Are…are you okay?"

I didn't want to cry again. Well, I wanted to, so badly, right then and there. But that was unthinkable as long as Munkustrap was with me…I never let _anyone _see my cry, under any circumstances. "I've decided that…that religion's more important to me…"

Munkustrap looked suspiciously at me. "…And how's that working out for you Bro?"

"It's not…" I replied wearily.

He nodded. "Then why'd you do it?"

I stood up. "I don't know. Now all the guilt is gone. I have nothing to hide anymore, nothing to feel ashamed of." I started to slowly pace around the undersized room.

"Tugger, did you really want to leave Misto, or did you just do it because you felt pressured to?"

Why did Munkustrap always have to know everything? "I guess you're right Munk. But, either way, there's no turning back."

He rolled his eyes at me but then continued. "Do you wanna go visit the twins again? Maybe they can tell you what to do…"

"You heard them last time. They said they _can't_ make my decisions."

Silence filled the room. Munkustrap looked as if he was in deep thought. I sat back down on my bed, trying to hold back tears. Even though I loved having the company of my older brother, I just wanted to cry my eyes out…alone.

My older brother…Munkustrap…devoted Catholic…sat in my room telling me I should get back with Misto. I couldn't believe that this guy, just a few weeks ago, totally shunned me from his life because of my homosexuality. He really came to his senses over that small course of time.

"Everyone, even the best Catholics, have their religious faults," he said reassuringly. "…Even me, as you know." It was true; he and Demeter have sex more than seldom. I thought about that, and how he handles himself. I mean, don't get me wrong, he couldn't be a better teenage father…But…He's probably the most religious person I know. "Okay, since you're devoting your life to religion, why don't we go to Church together tomorrow morning?"

I was taken aback by his sudden comment. "What?"

"C'mon Tug! It's been so long since we've been to Mass together."

I thought for a moment. "I _have_ been skipping for a few weeks…I guess it couldn't hurt…"

He smiled. "Cool. It'll be great. See you at seven Bro." Munkustrap exited the room almost immediately after. Was he up to something? Did he have some sort of plan? Wait…_seven_? AM? _This is going to be interesting…I'd better get to sleep if I'm waking up at seven…_

I started to look back at when it all began. I was down in the dumps because Misto wouldn't give me a chance. Okay, I was more than just 'down in the dumps'; I was depressed beyond belief. Munkustrap hated seeing me in the state I was in, so he invited me to Church. I really didn't want to spend an hour of my Sunday morning bored to death. The beginning of Mass was just as dull as I'd predicted. I wasn't having a good time and frankly, I wanted to get out. I was disrespectful; texting on my cell phone, sleeping, and being obnoxious. I could tell Munkustrap was getting fed up by my behavior, which made it even better. But then the homily hit me. The priest, Father Kevin, spoke about reputation, something everyone, even I, could relate to. He left the crowd with all sorts of things to think about. It got me deep into thought and I soon became consumed in his talk. The singing part also got me into it. I loved the singing because I was able to show off my ability to read sheet music. Anything to show off…right? Typical Tugger…right? I started going with Munkustrap more and more, and eventually made it a part of my life.

~x~

I actually managed to wake up early enough the next morning. Munkustrap and I usually walked to the Church; it was only about a block away. I met him in the outskirts of the junkyard because he was up and ready earlier than me. When we were about to leave for Mass, we ran into Victoria. She gave me an unusual death stare.

I shrugged.

"How could you do that Tugger?" she asked.

I really didn't want to talk about the situation to Misto's little sister. But they tell each other everything, so Victoria probably had a good understanding of what happened. "I-I just did what I had to do…"

"Really? You _had_ to break my brother's heart? Really Tugger? He finally gave you and chance and you-"

"Look Vikki," I interrupted. "I didn't say I stopped loving Misto…"

"Well it sure seems like it. You probably never loved him. I bet you just used him for the sex. Look, I really don't appreciate what you did. It's low, even for you."

I was so pissed off at her at that point. Who was _she_ to tell me I used Misto for sex? "_That_ is below the belt." I wanted to ignore her and walk away but I couldn't leave things unsaid. "You don't even know the whole story, okay? So I would suggest you stay out of _my_ business."

Munkustrap separated the fight. "Tugger, come on…"

I rolled my eyes, but obeyed my brother's instructions and walked ahead. In the meantime, he stayed behind to talk to Victoria…probably about Misto and me…I really just wanted to get to Church and leave all the drama behind.

~x~

At last, we arrived at my haven. I felt a bit awkward, probably for the first time ever. Church wasn't the same; it had been about a month since my last visit, and it seemed as if everything was different. I aimlessly looked around the room, studying every detail, trying to figure out what had changed. Same priests, same bishops, same choir and band, same pictures and beautifully-crafted stained-glass windows. Then, after a few minutes of letting my eyes wander, I realized the change was truly within myself…

It was hard for me to pay attention. Even though Church was usually the place I could go to escape from everything, my problems followed close behind that time. I was in a battle with my mind to pay attention to the readings rather than dozing off, but my mind ended up winning most of the time. Even the usually-enticing homily couldn't completely grab my interest.

As Mass ended I got up to leave but, weirdly, Munkustrap grabbed my arm and pulled me back down into my seat. For some reason he wanted to stay for the entire ending song, rather than leaving about halfway through so we could beat the mob. I kind of figured something fishy was up, but I never expected to see Misto sitting in the crowd across the room. I smiled despite my confusion. As everyone soon emptied the room, I sat…and Munkustrap sat…and Misto sat. Priests occasionally walked by here and there, cleaning and setting up for the next gathering. Munkustrap got up and walked outside, assuming I wouldn't follow, but instead talk to Misto.

And so I did. I walked over to the pew he was in and took a seat next to him. I smiled in hopes it would calm us both down. "You think everything they just said is bogus."

"Hey, I don't think it's _complete_ bogus. I didn't really understand it, and I don't wish to, but I respect it," he replied.

"Nice." I was impressed with his response. It was nice to know how open-minded Misto was. "Since we established you're not just here for kicks, let's talk about the real reason you're hear."

"Well your brother invited me," he said simply.

I laughed a bit. "Oh, did he?"

Misto nodded. There was a long pause before he continued, obviously trying to collect his thoughts. "Tugger, I've been talking to Munk about this…about _us_…I know you're going through a lot." He continued to surprise me.

I nodded. "Yeah," was all I could force out.

"I wish you would have told me why you didn't want to be with me, instead of just being blunt." He paused. "_But_ maybe we could stay together while you figure things out…"

"Maybe we could." I smiled.

A Bishop smiled and nodded as he walked past the pews.

Misto sighed. "They seem really nice," he said, motioning towards the Bishop.

"They are. They're great," I replied.

"You see how he just smiled at us, all friendly?"

I nodded.

"I smile back too…But then I realize that if they knew I was gay they wouldn't be so nice and friendly…"

I raised my eyebrows. He had a point there.

"It's just so…hypocritical," he continued. "Sorry…I know you probably don't wanna hear that…"

"But you're right…" I said. "You're absolutely right. Misto, you know I still love you, right?"

He looked away. "Yeah. I know Tugger. But-"

"But what?" I asked. "You think I'm over-analyzing this whole situation?"

"Who am I to say? I don't know anything about religion."

"Maybe I am. And maybe this could work out." I stood up, grabbed Misto by the arm, and brought him outside. "I mean, who's to say I still can't go to Church every Sunday? Even Munkus said it could happen…"

Misto smiled, starting to realize what I was saying. "Continue please…"

"I love you Misto, more than anything. I just can't give up my faith."

"And I never said you needed to," he responded.

"Exactly! I mean…I _am_ Rum Tum Tugger, after all. I do as I please without worrying a bit what anyone else thinks. What happened to that?"

Misto started laughing. "You tell me."

I grabbed his waist, pulling him closer to me, and kissed him firmly. I smiled down at him. The sincerity on his face showed clearly. I loved him, and he loved me. There was nothing in the world that could pull us apart. And if there were problems concerning my religion…well then I would cross that bridge when it came. But, being Tugger, I could face anything.

Who am I now, you ask? I'm whatever I want to be._

* * *

A/N: corny ending? Yes or no? Wow…I can't get over the fact that it's over._

_Anybody out there have a Tumblr? If so, my url is: stjimmyhassinned . tumblr . com (without the spaces, of course.) Follow me; I'll be posting fanfiction updates and doing random blogs._

_Also, for the all-musical lovers out there, check out my _American Idiot_ fics! They're mostly just slash one-shots but there's one continuing story you guys might like._

_Anyway, I can't say this enough: THANK YOU! :D Without the readers/reviewers there would be no story; this would have just been another random idea of mine that went to waste. Also thank you for bearing with Tugger's extreme OOC in the first few chapters. Although I do think I brought him back to his normal Tugger-ish self as the chapters went on. Anyway…I LOVE YOU ALL! _

_~StJimmyHasSinned_


	10. Chapter 10: The Church Experience?

A/N: _Yes, I _do_ realize that I'm updating a fic that has already been completed. Well, I've been making it to Mass every week for about a month, which makes me feel very accomplished. See, I'm going to be on Team for a retreat coming up in a few weeks, and every Sunday before our meetings we meet up at 12:00 Mass and attend together. I really love this idea because prior to this, I've never been to Church without a parent or sibling, but now that I'm with peers as well as close adults, the Church experience has felt more special to me. But today, for some reason, I found it hard to pay attention the whole time, and I somehow found myself looking back at this fic. I realized how much I miss this fic, as well as the Cats fandom in general, so I somehow pulled this idea out of the air…_

_I didn't really go much into detail about the actual Mass in my last chapter, so here it is, but with a twist…It's in Misto's POV!_

_Unfortunately, after this short chapter, the story really will be over for good, but I really am trying to get back into the Cats category more often._

* * *

I was one of the very first people to arrive at the church. Being that it was my first mass ever, I most definitely didn't want to show up late, so I made sure to arrive earlier than necessary. I took a seat in the very first pew and sat patiently. I saw a lot of interesting people, for example, a group of quintuplets, two of the boys with what seemed to be girlfriends by their sides. There were sloppy, clean, poor, rich, black, white, and all sorts of people from different heritages. I remember thinking, "_If all those different people can be accepted by the church, why can't gays?_"

After about five minutes Tugger and Munkustrap walked in through one of the side doors. They both seemed to notice me at the same time, but Tugger's reaction was surprised and shocked, while Munkustrap just smirked and nodded his head. I stood up to greet them as they walked toward me.

"What're you-?" Tugger started.

"His idea." I laughed, pointing at Munk.

Tugger's face lit up with excitement, while Munkustrap practically shoved him next to me into the pew.

"Well, I'll see you guys in an hour," he said, walking away.

"You're not staying?" Tugger asked.

"I'll be in the back." With that, Munk left us alone.

"It's really sweet that you're here, Mist," Tugger said.

I smiled at him. "Don't worry about it."

"No, seriously…This means a lot."

Suddenly all got quiet and everyone hushed as one of the priests stood up and spoke. I assumed that this marked the beginning of the ceremony, and I was right. The man welcomed the crowd, and some lady off to the side kindly asked everyone to turn off their cell phones. There were readings from the bible, singing- which Tugger had a certain special liking for- and, well, more bible-reading.

The readings were sort of boring to me- I couldn't really tell what they were supposed to be all about. I also didn't like how strict it all seemed to be- how everyone needed to stand and sit at the exact same times. And, honestly, I thought the mass would be more of a group discussion rather than those select few people in the front saying everything. But, luckily, the two main priest dudes were cracking jokes throughout the whole hour, which lightened the mood tremendously.

But the best part came during (what Tugger called) the homily. It was this really super long speech that further described the reading, tied them all together, and closely related them to our real lives. Honestly, it was so good that that speech could have been written especially for me. As it was about to begin, Tugger whispered to me, "Pay attention to this; you'll enjoy it." I wondered how Tugger could tell I was getting bored, and, more importantly, how he could know which parts of the mass I would enjoy and take interest in. But I gave all my attention to that amazing homily, which began and ended with the line, "God has seduced me, and I have let myself be seduced." The priest couldn't have picked a better line to captivate the audience's attention with.

After came some baby's baptism. I was never baptized, but I'm pretty sure Tugger, Munkustrap, and even Macavity all were. That part was pretty cute because, well, the baby was just adorable!

After that there was some more talking that I only half-listened to. Suddenly, everybody turned to one another and started shaking hands with each other. They mumbled something and moved on to the next person. This hand-shaking, which seemed like a contest for who could greet the most surrounding people, went on for about a minute. Some even hugged and kissed if they actually knew each other, like parents, children, and couples. Tugger strongly partook in this, smiling sincerely at everyone. I watched him for a moment, but was confronted with a bunch of people, adults to teens to walking-by priests, who wanted to shake my hand for some unknown reason. Though intensely confused, I shook their hands back and plastered on a smile. As the talking seemed to quiet down and mostly everyone resumed their positions facing forward, Tugger turned to me.

"Peace be with you," he said, shaking my hand tightly. He pulled me in for a hug, and then kissed my lips very quickly and softly. "I love you," he whispered as he turned forward once again.

After that I mumbled my way through the Apostle's Creed (which Tugger even seemed to not have fully memorized) and Our Father. Next came more singing, and when Tugger didn't pull out his song book to join in, I got curious.

"Do you not like this song?" I whispered.

Instead of verbally responding, he pulled me up by my arm and led me to the alter to get some sort of bread. "Repeat after me," he whispered. He walked up to someone, right hand cupped over his left, and looked up at the stranger.

"Peace be with you," the person said, lifting the bread that looked nothing like real bread.

"And also with you," Tugger answered, receiving the "bread" in his hand. He moved to the side and motioned at me to do the same thing.

I tried my best to do it just like he instructed, but I feel like I failed miserably. Tugger ate his piece, chewed, and swallowed. I did the same thing as we walked back to the pew. It actually tasted good! It had a weird cardboard texture to it, and left your mouth craving water afterwards, but something about it tasted really good. We knelt down and he did the sign on the cross and prayed, and I sort of did the same. I didn't really know how praying worked, so I just used the time to reflect on life.

After praying, we had some extra time to whisper between ourselves.

"Most people really aren't allowed to receive Eucharist unless they made their first Communion," Tugger said. "That's why I was trying to stay on the down-low about it."

"Oh, well how do I do that?"

He chuckled. "Well, you usually do it around second grade…"

"So I'm not allowed to do that?"

"It's not that you're not allowed, but as long as you appreciate it as God's gift and whatnot you'll be fine. Just don't mention it to anyone that you've never done this before."

I nodded slowly, taking everything in.

After that there were some closing announcements and goodbyes, with a final closing song. Tugger took my hand and led me to the back, where Munkustrap was waiting for us. The experience was a great one, and I'm happy I got to spend some time with Tugger.

Prior to this, I have never attended Church once in my life. I wasn't even sure if I was Christian or whatever. Yet, I didn't feel right calling myself an atheist, I did believe in something, I just never knew or cared enough to figure it out. Being with Tugger for so long and supporting his religion, I think it's fair to consider myself a Catholic Christian. Even though I don't go to Church nearly as much as Munkustrap and Tugger, and I'm not like, devoted to it or anything, I now understand his beliefs and share them to an extent.

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A/N: _Cute? Bad? Too religious for you? Haha, what did you think? (: And I promise I'll be reading some more Cats fics!_


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